My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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