I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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