next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
