she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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