He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
