I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
