What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Farmville is her only friend.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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