So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
