The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
