Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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