Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
