MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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