Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
