I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize