he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
