you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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