nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
