So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
