Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
