If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
