Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize