meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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