how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He shit in the fireplace
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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