I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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