When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
