Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize