If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
