just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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