he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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