I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
