what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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