No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I want is dick and wine.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
