woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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