At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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