so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
