So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize