he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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