I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
