well I can't set my house on fire every night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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