you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I need a beard to bite.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
