HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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