i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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