I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
