also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
