It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
