I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
