well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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