Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
