I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
