i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
