So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
