I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
