Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
