You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize