I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
